Break ups are horrible. Trust me, I know. I recently went through a break up after a two year relationship. It was the most heartbreaking experience of my life. I had been through break ups before but this one hit me harder than any of my previous ones had ever done.
At first, I thought that the worst thing that could happen to me, happened. I lost the love of my life. I was devastated. I stopped eating, all I did was cry and I cut myself off from everyone. I made myself so ill that I ended up in hospital. It was a gruelling few weeks. I faced every emotion but in the end it’s made me stronger. Bit by bit I started going out with my friends again, they helped me start eating again and kept me occupied. I started to feel normal. I was still hurt but I was getting there.
It’s been a while now since that dreaded day and to be honest, I feel pretty good. I’ve started to realise some good things came out of this break up. Maybe the break up wasn’t a bad thing at all, maybe it was a blessing in disguise - a grim disguise but a disguise nonetheless.
During my relationship I focused on ‘our’ future together instead of focusing on MY future; my hopes; my dreams; my goals. I was always thinking about the house ‘we’ would have, the wedding ‘we’ would have, the children ‘we’ would have. Not once did I focus on what ‘I’ wanted for me. As long as he was happy, I was happy. I didn’t need my dream job, I didn’t need to travel anymore, I didn’t chase my dreams, I gave it all up because all I wanted was for him to be happy, meet his goals, have his dream job and I wanted to stand by him whilst he done it. I didn’t care about my future as long as he had his.
Now, I have the chance to change that. I’ve left my crappy part time job and am on my way to a new and better one. I have applied to the course I have always wanted to study. I have planned out my travels for the next few years. I am focusing on me and my future. For once I am putting me first instead of other people and it feels good.
One good thing that my relationship brought me was the friends that I now have. I met people through my ex who are now my best friends and I cannot imaging my life without them. However, that same relationship also brought very negative people into my life. People who were very two faced, people who bullied me, people who made me question my worth. It was those people who brought strain on our relationship. I would always want their approval and try my best to be their friends just because they were important to my now ex partner. He told me it would mean the world to him if I got on with his friends. I tried. It failed. These people had a massive impact on my mental health, they were nasty and always put me down.
Thankfully due to our break up, I no longer have to put up with these people. I am able to cut these negative people out of my life. I now know that I do not have to put up with someone who is only out to knock me down. I have the ability to cut people out of my life and not feel guilty about it. I have the confidence to stand up for myself, something that I never used to have.
Our break up was hard on me, as I said, I cut everyone off to sit in my room alone in the dark. But the people that brought me out of that dark place were the the friends who dragged me out my house to go to the gym. The friends that I hadn’t seen in ages who cancelled plans to take me out for lunch. The friends who dropped by my house just to have a chat and a cuppa. The friends who I never thought that would be there for me were suddenly coming out of the woodworks trying to make me smile again. I am so appreciative of those people. They know who they are.
On the other hand, some of my close ‘friends’ didn’t bother with me. Not a call. Not a text. My messages to them were getting ignored. One of them even said they “couldn’t be bothered” with my break up and told me to “go cry elsewhere”. My break up highlighted the negative people I had manage to surround myself with. It showed me who my true friends are. It showed me who cared and who didn’t. Because of my break up, I now know who to trust and to whom I should go to if I ever need a shoulder to cry on. For that, I am thankful.
My relationship lasted two years. It was the greatest two years of my life. I was in love and it felt amazing. Yes we had our ups and downs but I would always forget about them because I loved him. I let things slide that I should have been bothered about, I gave chance after chance when it came to our arguments and I did all that because I wanted to be in the relationship, I loved him. Now, I am not saying I was perfect in the relationship, I was a massive pain also but now that I am single, I’m starting to realise that some of the things I forgave, should have been unforgivable. Some couples break up over the things I just let slide under the carpet. I didn’t want to argue or give him any reason to break it off with me. I hid my feelings. I watched what I said. I didn’t want to make him unhappy.
Now that we have broke up, I realise that I should have just spoken up. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells or watch what I said. I even went to the trouble to write a letter exposing my feelings. The feelings I had bottled up inside me for ages. I explained the things that annoyed me during our relationship and the things that were not okay (on both parts). I just wish I had the courage to say these things at the time. Maybe things would have worked out differently. This experience has taught me that I can’t keep things bottled up. I need to express my feelings both good and bad when I feel them. It is something positive I have learned from my break up and will be able to put it to use in future relationships.
I am not a very confident person. I never have been nor do I see myself becoming one. I have always had issues with the way I look and my weight. The first few months of my relationship I felt this way and slowly but surely I grew to like the way I looked, I got comfortable. I had this great guy complimenting me and calling me beautiful. As I got more comfortable in our relationship I put on weight. I didn’t care that I wasn’t the prettiest girl or the fittest girl. I was happy. He made me feel happy about myself. When our break up came along, this same guy who had called me beautiful once before was implying I was ugly. Even when I pulled him up about it, no apology was said. My confidence in myself shot right down. I could no longer leave the house without make up. My hair always had to be done. I stopped dressing casually and tried to look the best that I could in a pair of heels. I was hitting the gym with a full face of make up and an empty stomach. I felt grotesque.
A few weeks later and I am 2 and a half stone lighter. I’m going out without make up on. I’m wearing my comfy jeans along with my t-shirts from the guy section of River Island and my worn out trainers because I have realised that I am beautiful. No matter what. I don’t need approval from anyone else. I have worked my back side off at the gym to try and get to my target weight and it’s paying off. I am comfy in the clothes I buy, I do not need to dress up. I don’t have to wear make up to hide my face because I am pretty without it. I just hate the fact that it took a break up for me to realise it. I should have realised it way sooner but it is because of this break up that I now feel content in my own skin.
Now, I don’t want whoever may read this to think that this blog post is a rant about my ex. It is not. He is a decent guy. We were just not compatible. We both hurt each other over the course of two years and it took its toll. This post is just to convey that a break up is not the end of the world. It may feel like it at the time but that will pass. Break ups can also bring some good along with the bad. It took me a few weeks to see it but it’s there. I hope you all find the good in your life situations too.
Lots of love,
Megan x
